This is my Life

The goodbyes never cease, the pain never leaves
It squeezes at my heart, destroying my joy
It is overwhelming
overpowering
overshadowing
Life loses its brightness, the sky turns gray

People come, people go
To make a friend comes naturally
But then the goodbyes
Always the goodbyes. The end looms near
It's easy to say that it's not the end, really
Easy for others to say. They don't know
They care, to be sure, but they can't feel it
They can't feel the pain that becomes the life of an MK

The joy of new friends lifts the spirits
It is easy to live for the day
Carpe diem
Let tomorrow bring what it may
But we know all too well what tomorrow brings

It brings the grief, the pain of separation
The tears cried at the airport
Then the tears cried all alone
The sorrow that cannot be shared
The tears of solitude
Alone
Away from the masses who still have their friends

It's just a big cycle
Happiness, then pain
Friendship, then pain
Love and comradeship transcending the imagination, then pain
Many things, many people
But it always ends in pain

Funny how friendships can be
Stronger bonds can be formed
In two days sometimes than in two years
But can they stand the test of separation?
Can they rally against the pain of aloneness?
And at each goodbye our world crashes down
It all seems meaningless
The pain is indescribable
We move on, limping, licking our wounds
The deep cuts of goodbyes slowly heal
Leaving behind another scar

Another scar. Another mark to identify us as MK's
Another area of our lives
That has been sealed over in numbness
Scars that crisscross our lives
Each with a story to tell
A story that will probably never be heard
For who is there to tell?
The ones that can understand are few and far between
And they have enough scars of their own

And we wait. We take a breath and go on
We think that next time it will be different
We tell ourselves that it won't be so bad
But it will, we know that
It is the story of our lives
It is the price we pay for the life we live
It is the constant sacrifice

Hear us, for we have something to say
Care about us, for we are people too
Befriend us, for we are alone and scared
But do not pity us, for our pain is but
A small sacrifice in return for the path we have chosen
I am an MK
This is my life

-September 27, 2001

Jesus, I need You

Sometimes life's just not so hot
Some friends are real, some are not
But all my closest friends, the ones that are real
Are moving on in life, leaving me behind

Life is tough, it's hard not to cry
Watch from the airport, planes in the sky
There goes my girlfriend, there goes my mate
Off to a new life, I'm just stuck here

Why must I live now, alone and afraid?
My world as I know it is coming unmade
Has it been worth it, to love them at all
When all I have left are memories and pain?

God, please help me. I know that you're there
I know that you love me, I know that you care
But they're all going their own separate ways
Will I ever be able to see them again?

Sometimes it's hard to feel your touch
I feel so lonely, the pain is too much
Will the ache in my heart ever fade?
Will I ever be whole again?

These friends have made me who I am today
And now they're leaving, flying away
So much of my life, they're all really great
I can't say goodbye, I can't take the pain

I can't cope with it
I've already fallen
I've tried this before
It's too much to take

It hurts so much to say goodbye
Every time, feels like I've died
I need your love, God. I need your touch
How can I live here, left behind?

I know that soon the pain is coming
I just want to run, and never stop running
I can already feel my heart tearing
God, please don't make me go through it all

It's so easy to trust you when life doesn't hurt
But when things are like this, and keep getting worse
I don't know what to do now
I can't take it anymore

I need you, Jesus
Now, more than ever before

-June 11, 2001