Some thoughts about living life - kind of long

Preface:
This post turned out to be long-winded and full of some disconnected thoughts about the last few months of living. Feel free to skip to the 'Things I've learned' for a summary or to just give this post a miss altogether.

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A blank screen is intimidating to me when I'm trying to write. Once I get a paragraph, a sentence, or even a few words down, the rest usually seems to write itself. But those first few minutes, staring at a blinking cursor and nothing else, cause me to worry that I won't be able to think of anything to say.

That's how I feel this morning about my life. At the start of a new day, when there's nothing but a blank 'screen' in front of me for the next 18 hours or so, I wonder how I will fill it. Before the plans start to kick in, the driving begins, or the workday starts, I wonder if I will do anything useful with the time I have before I go to bed again.

When I write, I tend not to brainstorm much before I begin. Some writers start with an outline, a free-association mind-map, or at least a solid idea of where they want to go with their thoughts. Instead, I tend to latch onto the first idea that seems viable and start writing about it. I think I sometimes live life that way, too. I might have a vague idea about what I want to do, but I often let the day take me where it will. Sometimes that works out for me and I end up with a great day filled with a lot of new experiences that I wouldn't have had if I'd had a defined plan. But sometimes it just leads to a wandering day where I look back at the end and wonder if I really accomplished anything.

I think that the last 8 years in the Navy with all its structure and control have left me wanting more time that I can spend how I wish. The jobs I had before the Navy left me at least my evenings and weekends to spend as I chose, but I haven't even had that for a long time. Instead of managing the little time off that I do have well, I've just drifted along through it, trying to relax by 'doing nothing.'

I think I really only came to grips with this in the last several months, and it's been a work in progress. I've been trying (mostly successfully, I think) to actively 'do things' in the time that I do have. Instead of coming home from work and heading straight to the computer to 'relax' and 'just not think about work for a while', I've been trying to get out of the house with my lover-girl, see the sights, read more books, have more real conversations, and think more thoughts. It sounds kind of dumb when I write it down, and like something that normal people do all the time, but it's really something that's been difficult.

Things I've learned:
1) Relaxing by doing nothing is not really relaxing at all. The things that need to get done just pile up and the longer I put them off the more difficult it is to get them done, and the more stress they create.
2) Getting the 'must-do' things done first allows for way more time for the 'want-to-do' things.
3) The brain in 'consume mode' instead of the 'produce mode' quickly shuts off, making it very difficult to remember how to really live life.

Life is complicated, exhausting, and wonderful

I set out this morning, as planned, looking for some fear to conquer before the day was through. As I write this, 18 hours later, I am still looking for it. I'm trying to recapture the events of today to see where I might have overlooked some small fear that I noticed and overcame. Despite my best efforts, today was just a perfectly lovely day. A long day, a tiring one, but one full of love and fun and joy.

I'm reminded once again why all those "get-(fill in the blank)-quick" schemes never seem to work. They focus on just one area of life, and claim that if you just do that one thing right, you will be fulfilled and on your way to riches, health, the perfect pant size... whatever. But life is so intertwined, so complicated and involved, so rich and beautiful that focusing on just one part of it, no matter how well-intentioned, necessarily leads to neglect of the other parts.

So I'm glad that God prompted my mind to wander off my new ideas for self-improvement and instead to simply soak up the beauty that He created throughout the world. Although I'm exhausted now, and way past due for a long sleep in a comfy hotel bed, today was so relaxing. Driving through half of Texas and most of New Mexico opened my eyes to a natural beauty that I've just never seen on the east coast.

Here is what I've learned today:

1) As much as I praise and admire the talent and creativity of my amazing wife (and if you've seen her stuff, you know that she's incredibly good at what she does), God's just got her beat when it comes to beauty of creation. When she posts her travel blog for today you'll get a glimpse of some of it.

2) It's easy to latch onto a simple solution as the only solution to a problem. While simple is easy and nice, it's usually just that: too simple. So, facing fears is great, and something that I'll keep digging at in my life, but there's more to discover about who God has made me to be. Today I discovered that I've spent way too much of my life indoors and that God made the entire outdoors just for us to appreciate. And today I really, really appreciated it.

Avoiding Fear

This is the easy way to live life: never do anything that scares you. This is also the most boring way possible to live life. These are the two facts that I have discovered after 28 years of living.

To my recollection, I have never continued to be scared of something after actually doing it. I'm not really talking about the major fears some people have: fear of spiders or snakes, of heights, or of clowns. There are far more small fears that we barely even recognize as such. Fear of not being able to change who we are. Fear of not being recognized for our accomplishments. Fear of moving to a new town, state, or country. Fear of feeling like an idiot because we don't really know how to do something that we 'should' know how to do. Fear of offending people whose opinions we value. Fear of letting down our family or friends. These are the fears that paralyze us, that keep us in the same habits and ruts that we've lived in for so long. These are the fears that make our lives very predictable, safe, and boring.

Facing a fear, even a small one, and getting past it is what makes us grow. Sometimes we have no option (or at least it seems like we don't), sometimes a friend challenges us (purposefully or inadvertently), and sometimes we just summon up the guts to face a fear. Today I have chosen to attempt to discover one fear that I have and face it for every day that I can, starting today.

Today my fear is just a little one. I am scared to write about how I want to change for fear that I will look back on it later and laugh (while cringing on the inside) because I have still not changed. I am facing my fear by writing this, and saving it somewhere where I will read it later. Coincidently, this also lets me face another fear that I am only half-facing today: the fear that nobody wants to hear what I have to say, that I have nothing of worth to share, and that I am a nobody. I suppose the root of both of these fears is that I am afraid that I have no self-discipline. If I post this where others can read it, and then I stop writing after a few days or weeks, I will have let people down, I will look like a quitter, and I will once again feel like I can't establish habits and routines in my life that I want to.

I wanted to not face that fear today. I wanted to just save this and 'maybe post it later.' After all, I haven't posted to my blog in... years, I suppose. Nobody would even know if I didn't post this now. But acknowledging a fear and then hiding from it makes the fear grow, so I will post this. If I never get started, I will never know if I can keep it up.

Got a fear (big or small) that you've been pretending didn't exist? Yeah, me too. I've got lots. Time to start figuring out what they are so I can deal with them.